i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
