My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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