According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
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Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.