I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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