i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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