My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
