I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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