turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
