He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's just like the Real World with babies
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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