sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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