JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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