when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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