Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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