The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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