I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
