Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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