How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
