I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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