I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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