She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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