you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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