I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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