I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
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This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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