u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
