Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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