I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
