Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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