i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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