I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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