I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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