Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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