I feel like I'm in dance class right now
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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