I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
