Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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