omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
