so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
