I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
