My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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