pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
