i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
