He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
