She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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