Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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