I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
