She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
