you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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