He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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