I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
