i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
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Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
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as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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