After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
