apparently the secret to your success is patron
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
