You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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