The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
