When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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